xxxtreme.

So the Kimball House is one of Indulgences. Bandwidth. Video Games. Booze. Revenge. We can't get enough.

The other night (or very early morning), Sean, Nate, and myself were curious as to how many beef patties we could eat at once. Well, I wasn't hungry, but I was more than willing to document this event. A few months ago, I became aware of the "Quad Stack" from Burger King. Meat and fucking cheese.


(The stacker's motto is "no veggies allowed".)

Heyyy, there's that new 24 hour Burger King on Milwaukee. Let's go there.

After asking the lady if we could get "TWO OCTOSTACKERS" we were told she could only sell us the quad stacks. So we got four of those and made our own:






(disgustingly awesome.)


Sean and Nate both FINISHED their Octostackers. They are my heros. They both also passed out maybe 10 minutes after finishing. Anyway, if anyone would like to try a Dodecastacker next, I will buy. I'll also call 911 for you when you have a heart attack.


Another similar event I would like to bring up is the Case Race. This is an idea that has been in the works for awhile now, but NEEDS to definitely happen.

30 beers. 24 hours. Whoever finishes first wins $$$ and the trophy. $5 entry fee, the winner takes the pot. No sleeping and no puking allowed, and only approved food.

God help us.

Anyone want a dog? (Part 2)

So this is what I've had to listen to for the past, oh, eight hours or so:


(notice otis' apathy.)

That is Tiny again. She's resting comfortably in Brad's room. I put her there so she wouldn't whine right outside my door and so she wouldn't get period blood on everything. You would think she's hurt or stuck or something but no. In fact, I would say she has a pretty damn good life in this house. I'm sure the neighbors love us even more, now that they get to listen to Tiny.


Speaking of neighbors, ours finally felt safe enough to tell us that they thought we were serial killers or vampires or something. Just for the simple fact that they'd hear shit being dragged across the floor at 3am. And screaming. And then we wouldn't wake up until late afternoon. hmm...


P.S.

Rule 16: No censorship.

we cant say we didnt see it coming....

MISS ANDREA MARIE IS PREGNANT!!!!
a special congratulations to Bradley and Andrea Marie on their bouncing bundle of joy, one of which will lay your ass out in mere min.


our hearts are with you Brad and Co.
now get the fuck out.
RULE #3

Anyone want a dog?

So the other night, a few of us were just relaxing in the living room...having an easy night. My friend Sean pointed out that he had a bit of blood on his arm. Hmm. It didn't really look like blood to me so I quickly forgot about it. A bit later I noticed a streak of blood on my leg as well.

TINY DANCER GOT HER PERIOD. EW.

I quickly threw her in Brad's room and called him to come and take care of this. At first he tried tying a bandanna around her ass, but she quickly wriggled out of it. We decided to sacrifice a pair of underwear stapled to the wall of shame and make our own doggy diaper with a maxi pad and electrical tape.







And this was the end result:



Now if she would just STFU...

they know us here.

the cop said it best;

"Thats the problem with this house. One guys drunk and the others sober. Then the next night, THAT guys sober but the other ones drunk! Its a 24 hour keg party in here!"

honestly, i dunno where they get that...

In response to Monday...

I didn't just "get hurt" Jimmy grabbed my foot as I went to kick him in the face and I lost my balance and fell backwards, landing on my ass and hitting my head against nate's glass door. I am surprised it didn't shatter. I reallllly don't want to see the video.

Jimmy made up for it though by making sure I had my shorts on when the every bridge burned dudes came over.

Okay, so I had a bit too much to drink. I (kinda) learned my lesson.


(at least it was out my window and not in my bed again.)


and I'm pretty sure Brad has learned his lesson as well:



You have all heard it....I get to punch him.

10 simple rules so i dont kill you!

ok, seriously.

I think we have all been desensitized enough to the point of knowing very well how to handle a homicide/crazy killer/slasher/hostage situation.
Come on kids, face it. We live in a fucked up world so the chances of you being brutally taken by a maniac with a gun and a knife is growing exponentially every day!

it is for this reason that i present to you 10 simple rules that will allow you to experience the scenario with the least probable suffering.

How to deal with the knife wielding maniac in your living room

1. Give consent -
Do whatever the say without question. They got the knife. Fuck being the hero.

2. Don't stutter -
Nothing pisses off crazies more than hearing people act as mentaly deficiant as themselves. Clear consise answers are best.

3. Don't panic -
Basic psych here. If you remain calm and collected they will be thrown off seeing as the last 86 kids they mutilated freaked the fuck out.

4. Don't piss yourself -
Thats just degrading to everyone.
(Unless you cant remember doing it. then its comed.)

5. Show some skin -
They're prob gonna end up raping you dead or alive anyway so again, this is a good diversionary tactic.

6. Don't stare at them -
This is just good manners.
Crazies have feelings too. and chances are if you hurt thier feelings they're go off on how mommy never touched them dirty and sing Bing Crosby while they slice your eyes open.
I dunno about you but thats one of my personal hells.

7. Don't beg -
Your going to die. that much is known. pleading is weak. this rule coincides with the don't panic.

8. Don't bargain -
Just like begging. pointless and annoying.

9. Be Polite -
It never hurts to ask for a quick shot to the head. Hell, ask them how THEY'RE doing. its not all about you. asshole.

10. Enjoy yourself -
Your times up. have some fun with the bastard. i'm not saying give yourself to him.
(unless he asks, in which case your obliged by rule one to cooperate) but everyone loves a good joke!

So there we go. When you inevitably find yourself in a southwestern motel that smells like cows and weed and some maniac barges in the door with a weapon and kills your friend you'll know what to do keep your experiance enjoyable (by comparison) and hopefully allay any desire for the killer to maim you before putting you down.

on a side note, if you ever want to watch a good slasher flick, call me.

This is what you get when you blank blankity blanks

and here we go!
its been a minute since i last posted. and yes, the Kimball House is moving the technological arc forward and posting under new and improved means. so expect more from me.

I feel it an obligation to communicate the events of the last big night.
If you ever wondered what the hell a Paragoyle is (a term thrown around loosely in our home) i'll go ahead and fill you in now.

CONSIDER THIS


AND THIS:

AND YOU GET.....
THE PARAGOYLE!
Now, as if that was as good as it could possibly be. consider the paragoyle with armor. This need arose after the invite of Brad and Andreas new mop. they call it Tiny. the paragoyle likes to hump its face. I, personally wish to dye it clear so i dont have to deal with it. Tiny has recently decided to fight back. How a mop can fend for itself I'm not entirely sure. Given this new development we felt it best to prepare the paragoyle for any further confrontations.


the epic battle commences

Regretfully there was no blood. Alot.. and I mean ALOT of humping.
Face humping
Ass humping
leg humping..
etc.
The paragoyle came out on top.

His armor quickly dissolved into a space outfit. then a really shiny toga.
As this happened, we decided to drink profusely.
We also happen to have alot of this action on video film for you lucky kids.
Brad is editing it as we speak so definitely look for that on the video page that will eventually be up when we have video to post on it.
der.

Anyway, after about 4 beer bongs each Jamie and Kirk decided to include the rest of us. Or that is, we wrangled the bongs from they're shaky hands. This just meant that the whole lot got smashed. Strangely enough no one stepped on the mop. Jamie sustained injuries to her head and other parts. not sure which. Jimmy threw me to the floor and in turn was thrown down by dan. and im boring myself now. so yeah. it was the usual random drunken night. only it somehow involved the police, an alleged threesome, and a random band who shall remain unnamed until we say Every Bridge Burned. Oh.. and baby Heather got punched in the face.
typical shit.

On a more interesting note, miss Andrea Marie of Boston, MA came to our home, as many know, without experiencing the joy and beauty that is hot, steamed, onion meat sliding down your throat.

So we got a crave case.

and, as you can probably guess, Andrea Marie will never eat from the castle again.
I myself felt a little bit of a tinge after 10 sliders and some fries.

Brutal + Delicious + Beer = Leaky Asshole

ok i'm done with this.

Another mystery.

Today I was pissed. Today I had one of those "why do I live here" moments. I woke up in a shitty mood and all i wanted to do was sit in my awesome pirate ship pool, listen to metal, and chill out.


(what it looked like before)

Instead, I walked out to this:


(after. Sorry about the quality, it was dark when i took the picture)

So i stomp inside, thinking maybe Jimmy deflated it for some reason. No. Supposedly, stray cats tore the shit out of it. Ugh. So instead I pouted and sat in my room all day and watched Rob Zombie movies. My day got a little better when a myspace message pointed me to a certain missed connection:

Block Party - m4w - 26 (Logan Square)

---

Reply to: pers-752942180@craigslist.org

Date: 2008-07-13, 1:19AM CDT

You had a sleeve, a sweet purple bike, and an even more awesome dog.




I wish I got your number.

• Location: Logan Square
  
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 752942180

Yes,yes, yes. This is my first that I know about. That put me in a better mood, at least. After a trip to Target, where I broke the news to Jimmy about our pirate ship, we went in the backyard to investigate. We stared at the pool for a good minute, even mentioning how the grass was dead already before we noticed this:


(wtf)

So thank you to whoever broke our pool and then bought us a new one. Even Nate interrupted his 8 hour video game binge to come look. That brings up my next thought....what happened to Nate's shirt?



-Jamie

new roomates.

sooooo...

after a fun filled day of skateboarding, beer, and shitty music, 2 new roommates have officially made their way into the KIMBALL HOUSE!!!

* Miss Andrea Marie (from Boston) - random crazy chick from boston. rockin, alcoholic, not sure exactly how long she'll survive. chicago ain't for everyone. (courtesy of nathan)
www.myspace.com/xkismetx

and

* Tiny aka Tiny Dancer aka Tony Danza aka probably one of the cutest pups you'll ever lay your eyes on.
(she's a Shih Tzu/Poodle mix, according to Anthony I'm gay... whatever, she's adorable)


in other news, the downstairs neighbors are moving to Tennesee now that their house is finished being built...

WHICH MEANS...

there's a damn good chance that MISS EMILY may be moving downstairs!!! - www.myspace.com/mimily


that's all for now.

word.




_bradley_

p33n

in two weeks i have touched every man that lives in this house's penis. and even a few that didn't.

i love chicago.

and nate is sawing the hand rail of the stairs at 4:35am.

how did i end up here?


<3 andrea marie.


ps. i want to motorboat jamie and some night when i'm wasted it's so happening. have your camera's ready. i'm not stopping until i can no longer breathe.

whisper whisper

You know it's a good night when Jamie makes you laugh while doing a beer bong and it comes out of your nose and it takes 2 minutes to start breathing again because you are laughing so hard.

Jimmy stop taking our beer. You're poor, go buy a $2.00 40oz.

So, Nate fixed the door the other day and now it's broken. We need someone who can come fix the door frame so I can pee without having to lift the door drunk or walking all the way up the stairs just to have to do it.

--The April Marie

Irish Poker is the best. When it came to taking 40 gulps of pbr we pulled out the beer bongs. God bless america and god bless irish poker. Where are the blackcats?
TORCHE IS SO GOOD.



-Jamie



Hey Nate, at least this more human than human has money to be a jew with. Where are my fireworks give em back. BBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

-Scottie V.

Fuck you JIMMY!!! you fucking poor... get your own beer!!! and FYI, LA Riots is soooo '95... and Jason, if you read this, FUCK NONNA's, and heather, leave some fucking change in the drawer!!! sooooo pumped not to have to work tomorrow, block party here i come!!!! Nate, stop hitting on April, you have NO chance!!! hahaha...
EBB you owe me a fucking rager!!! i'm holding you fucks to it!!! word.

_bradley

THE END OF THE NASTY

(clean beer bongs ready to be used.)

The downstairs bathroom was completely scrubbed today. Hands-and-fucking-knees-scrubbed. The toilet is no longer orange, brown, and green, but instead glows blue.

(It's supposed to last 4 months. We'll see about that.)

There is no longer vomit in the corner. There is no longer piss on the wall. There is no longer a small creature living in the drain. I'm no longer embarrassed.



Nate and I found our way to Target to get some more cleaning supplies...and a saw. Nate was looking at a normal hacksaw, when I found this:



This thing can cut through Jimmy's skull (not that I would ever do that). I thought about testing this sucker and cutting a window into Brad's room's wall, but then the thought of his scent lingering into the house that much easier stopped me.

Right now, Nate is using this saw to customize our bathroom door. This was our old bathroom door:



and this nate working on our new door:



I can't promise this door won't have the same ill fate.


-Jamie

The beginning.

Welcome welcome one and all; and do let me be the first to say... fuck off go suck a big one. I'm sure many of you have preconceived notions of the Kimball House. Despite these expectations i can tell you honestly that you have no idea whats in store for this fantastically gay blog. That being said, nor do i. Despite this, we will keep you informed on the daily goings on. hell we'll post photo pictures AND VIDEO FILM. the internet is indeed a magical place of perversion and nonsense.
all that we ask is a slight donation should one of us end up in intensive care.

now for the cast;

Brad - latently gay emo stalker kid

Scott - think white zombie more human than human.
now replace the word human with jew.

James/one punch/jethro - narcissistic 16 year old. tolerable at times.

Jamie - metal and tatas. jigglys and booze. you'll see.

Nate - spacey, insane and occasionally violent. an asshole but smart enough not to get caught.

Otis - hates cardboard. loves everything he can fit in his mouth. not a real dog. paragoyle.

Beer Phone - 773.942.7020

on with the show.

-nate