10 simple rules so i dont kill you!

ok, seriously.

I think we have all been desensitized enough to the point of knowing very well how to handle a homicide/crazy killer/slasher/hostage situation.
Come on kids, face it. We live in a fucked up world so the chances of you being brutally taken by a maniac with a gun and a knife is growing exponentially every day!

it is for this reason that i present to you 10 simple rules that will allow you to experience the scenario with the least probable suffering.

How to deal with the knife wielding maniac in your living room

1. Give consent -
Do whatever the say without question. They got the knife. Fuck being the hero.

2. Don't stutter -
Nothing pisses off crazies more than hearing people act as mentaly deficiant as themselves. Clear consise answers are best.

3. Don't panic -
Basic psych here. If you remain calm and collected they will be thrown off seeing as the last 86 kids they mutilated freaked the fuck out.

4. Don't piss yourself -
Thats just degrading to everyone.
(Unless you cant remember doing it. then its comed.)

5. Show some skin -
They're prob gonna end up raping you dead or alive anyway so again, this is a good diversionary tactic.

6. Don't stare at them -
This is just good manners.
Crazies have feelings too. and chances are if you hurt thier feelings they're go off on how mommy never touched them dirty and sing Bing Crosby while they slice your eyes open.
I dunno about you but thats one of my personal hells.

7. Don't beg -
Your going to die. that much is known. pleading is weak. this rule coincides with the don't panic.

8. Don't bargain -
Just like begging. pointless and annoying.

9. Be Polite -
It never hurts to ask for a quick shot to the head. Hell, ask them how THEY'RE doing. its not all about you. asshole.

10. Enjoy yourself -
Your times up. have some fun with the bastard. i'm not saying give yourself to him.
(unless he asks, in which case your obliged by rule one to cooperate) but everyone loves a good joke!

So there we go. When you inevitably find yourself in a southwestern motel that smells like cows and weed and some maniac barges in the door with a weapon and kills your friend you'll know what to do keep your experiance enjoyable (by comparison) and hopefully allay any desire for the killer to maim you before putting you down.

on a side note, if you ever want to watch a good slasher flick, call me.